Here is a rather raw post where you will see me processing how I've been dealing with tragedy. So be warned - this may seem like a rather depressing confusing post. But as it is about year ago that my Dad passed away, I felt like using my blog as a way of processing.
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I walked into the hospital ward where my Dad was staying. He had just been admitted a few days ago on long weekend. I found my mom curled up in a dinky waiting room with a tv blaring nearby. Something was not right. Tragedy had hit at it's worse. I just knew it. My dad hadn't been feeling well for a while. ALS was wasting away his muscle strength. Now it had hit his breathing muscles. And nothing... nothing prepares you to see your once strong Dad suffocate in helplessness. I will spare you from the rest of those details. But in those moments panic hits him and everyone else around.
In a couple of days my family will get together to remember my Dad who passed away a year ago. Thankfully the doctors were able to medicate him so he could die peacefully. But those few days from when I saw my mom in the waiting room, completely overwhelmed, to the day he passed away were the longest, most awful days that I have ever experienced.
I thought I was a strong person. But I will be honest that my capacity to handle all that was ripping at the seams. To have my Dad taken away so brutally, and a sister in law earlier in the year, to see my mom and my brother go through this, to see the rest of my family go through this does something to the whole being of a person. My whole mental, spiritual, physical and emotional being was shifted and shattered. It's like I had to pick up the shreds and try to piece them back together only to find out it was impossible. My world felt forever unstable. Nothing is sure. Trust is torn completely out of the system.
Good? Well I don't even know that anything good is possible or if it is, it will definitely not last. Trust? Hah! What is there to trust!? The worst thing is to trust something or in someone and than everything gets broken. I definitely do not understand what my family went through a year ago. And by the way, I look into the eyes of my family and I know we all still have no clue how to process.
After we came home from the hospital, and I watched my mom come to her house to... nothing.. everything was meaningless now... I had no idea how life would work from then on. Everything was dark and hopeless.
But here I am a year later. Have I processed and grieved properly? I have no idea. Do I still believe in a good God? Yes I do. Do I trust him? Man, this one has been so hard. But yes. Honestly there is no one else I want to trust rather than him. It kind of feels thrilling to tell him that I trust him before knowing the answers or results to life. My mental and physical state has been strengthened and I am at peace. I still don't understand and am sad thinking about a year ago, but I'm ok. Am I angry at the way my Dad had to suffer? Yes, but I am so glad that he died peacefully, and that I could have moments with him where I was reminded how much he loved me all my life even though he wasn't perfect. I loved that he tapped into his humorous side all the way to the end.
I don't even want to imagine how he suffered in the end when he couldn't talk to us properly. The fear, the helplessness, the defeat and loss he felt. But somehow I think God protects us from feeling and knowing everything.
Now you were probably all hoping that I would have some crazy spiritual steps to healing or overcoming tragedy. I really don't. And I don't even want to pretend that I do. I'm not trying to be theologically correct with any ideas I presented. How did I come to a place of rest and joy? I have no steps for that either. :) But somehow I know I must be loved and protected even though I'm still working things out with God at times. I am still working on that trust thing. I think back now to the days in the hospital and I almost get a sweet memory with it, as awful as the whole time was. I can feel now that there was a sweet presence. And I look at my family and I am so thankful for them. Having gone through something like that together can do nothing but bring us closer.
After something as tragic as death, life will never be the same. There will always be a hole. But I can honestly say, life can still be good. Life is still worth living. Sometimes the dark makes the light seem lighter. Now I can see I might feel like someone who has been completely trampled on the battleground. I may be covered in dirt and blood and wounds and have absolutely been times where it seemed much more pleasant to just lay there and die. But I did get up... slowly, mind you... and now I'm still covered in dirt and marked, but what have I to lose now. Fear is but fear. There is no point in being perfect. I've gone down so far already. But I'll let others wash me and love me. I will not shut my heart out so I don't feel, although that seems so much easier at times.
I love that I chose to get married. My husband and I both know first hand what it's like to lose someone close. He lost his wife. We both are very aware that nothing lasts forever. But we are choosing to go all out in this relationship with our whole hearts. If it'll last a day or 80 years we don't know.
But there's something about having been shot down hard, you are faced with the decision to just lay there and die or to get up and put your whole heart into what's before you, with nothing to lose.
So this is me, raw, totally not perfect, still afraid, sometimes have no clue what I'm doing, but I'm believing for something good. I am choosing to trust. And... I feel happy! Is this even possible? Life is life and I really have nothing to lose, but what is this in my heart wanting to dream again?
So here is to all those who have felt or feel hopelessness and great pain. I have no steps for you. But I love you and I hope you choose to get up and not shut down your heart. God help us all.
If you made it through this whole post I want to thank you for reading even though it might not have made sense. But in reading it, you have shown me love. :) Now on to more lighter subjects!
Happy Friday!
