Single and Thriving

Preface: 

I wrote this blog a few months ago, but always seemed like there was something more important to post. By now, for those of you who know me, know that I am not as single as I write in my post. But in the moment this was written I was as single as a pringle. And I don't care what has happened since, I still feel very strongly that I need to post this... so here it is...same as it was. 

Hi! I am single. I don’t see that as a big deal, but as I get along in my age it seems to become a big deal for other people. I normally don’t like to make a big difference between the singles and the married people. To me, we’re all people on a journey. No one is better than the other. But I have heard so many comments and questions from other singles and even been bugged to write about it, I decided to relay my thoughts on the subject…

I have seen a lot of blogs and articles lately about being single and how what married people often say to the singles can really be insensitive and illogical.

And yes, since I’m 25 and still single I have heard my fair share of very insensitive and sometimes quite amusing remarks. And there was a time in my life where the criticism was so much that if I were to have posted a blog I would have joined the popular articles and directed it to the married people and explained VERY clearly and bluntly how they can negatively affect the single people with what they say. At that point, no matter how confident we feel in ourselves, suddenly we can start to doubt ourselves and wonder where the heck we completely messed up our lives. And apparently there is no hope for us.

I get that. I understand, if you as a single person at times feels lonely, hopeless, confused and misunderstood. I know what that is. Especially the misunderstood part. I know what it’s like to sense the stares, to hear the whispers, to see the smirks on people’s faces. I know very well what it’s like to feel the pressure of needing to get married because that apparently is the ultimate goal and final destination of true happiness. I know what it’s like to feel the constant pushing, or even the silence because “poor thing is still single, and I don’t want her to feel worse so I won’t talk about her love life… to her at least but to other people maybe yes”. Oh man do I hate to be pitied. That’s the worst. Or how about this one: “Someday you will find your man” (gentle pat on the back). Ugh, puke, give me a break. Doesn’t matter how sincere they are, it always sounds wussy. Like we are some poor lost orphans. And someday we can have the ultimate life like they have.

And yes I know what it’s like to get all the advice in the world because they want to help us. But no one actually cares enough to take the time to listen to “my” heart and talk about the journey that “I” am on; which by the way, is completely different than anyone else’s journey. They don’t even realize that I’m actually really enjoying my life and that I’m actually feeling quite hopeful and that I would actually love to process my love life with them as long as they would be more interested in my heart than a juicy story, and as long as they would keep in mind that my journey to love might be very different than theirs – in fact it could be completely opposite, and that I am still ok as a person.

And just once I’d like to hear “I am proud of how you’re thriving as a single person. You’re managing your life and relationships so well.”

But, this blog is written to us singles, not the “other” people. I will not hash them. There is no “right” way to handle us anyway, it seems. So don’t worry “other” people. You’re ok. I honor you and if you need for me to clarify some things I said you may come talk to me. I like directness, more than indirect communication through other people. J

So here’s the deal, singles… I have decided in all areas of my life to act like a daughter as opposed to a victim. It’s a choice I have to make many times a day. A daughter or son of a king knows that he/she has authority and power to change things. She is the head and not the tail. A victim will always back off when things get hard and will pity himself and blame others for making their life so hard. A daughter takes ownership of her own life. A victim let’s life happen to them, and a daughter makes life happen for them.

So talking about being single - I don’t know what your story is, but if being single is a sensitive thing for you and it brings you pain, then maybe I can help you do a little mindset shift.

There are common lies singles (and married) believe. I simply want you to say the following truths out loud. Get them in your head and heart.

1.   My value does not come from my relationship status.

2.   My final destination is not marriage. It’s just an awesome chapter in my life story.

3.   Finding “the one” will not cure my loneliness. (A married person can be just as lonely as a single person)

4.   I can experience great relationships, even covenant relationships before I’m married.

5.   My journey in finding love will look different than anyone else’s. There is no formula in how to get there.

6.   I am a whole person before I’m married.

7.   I can have my needs met in a healthy way, before I’m married. (yes, there are needs and desires we have as singles)

8.   I can thrive as a single person.

9.   There is no shame in being a single person.

10.              Everyone is NOT looking and talking about me.

11.              I am awesome!

12.              I am doing very well.

13.              There is nothing wrong with me.

14.              I did not miss my chance.

I am not diminishing your desire to have a spouse. It’s ok and normal and good to desire someone of the opposite sex. But while you’re on that journey of finding him or her, don’t let other people rob your joy, your vision, your dreams. Sometimes what they say may hurt or just sound dumb, but don’t worry about it. They actually care about you. Don’t act like a victim and shut people out when things don’t work out for you.

I find that the church (which is my community) as a whole seems to have forgotten the single young adults. This overlooking is unintentional, but in the pulpit there’s messages for almost every people group, but the single group’s unique needs are never really addressed. Except of course “get married already!” I would like to insert a few symbols here, but I will withhold.

There is actually a type of grief that is called disenfranchised grief. My friend talks about this in her blog http://thesexycelibate.com/category/loneliness/. Which by the way, you should check out. Usually grief is had when you lose something you’ve had. But this grief is grieving something you’ve never been able to have – desires that haven’t come to pass. It’s like a woman who longs to have children but can’t. This grief is just as real, but it never gets addressed. I’m not judging any church, I’m just saying that your pain and feeling alone is valid.

But if we blame others and pity ourselves than we jump into that victim mode and that is just disgusting.

So how do we thrive as singles?

1. Create family. You should learn to relate to people in a deep level before your married anyway.

2. Dream and live those dreams.

3. Love yourself and let others love you.

4. Get a vision of what you want your relationships to look like and stick with it. Don’t EVER settle for anything less. (It’s a good idea to ask God for that visionJ)

I have people in my life that I feel entirely loved by, starting with people in my family. I also have friends all across the world. These people would do anything for me. The only time when I would feel that they don’t seem to really care about me is when I slip into that victim mode. “Why don’t they call me? Why don’t they ask me how I’m doing?” Hey with family we just tell them how we’re doing, we don’t wait for them to come and ask. And they always want to know how Clarice is doing.

I have had many close friends that have gotten married by now, including 2 of my nieces. And here again, people will look at me with pity, and ask “how does it feel to have your nieces, of all things, get married before you!”

But I can honestly say that the only thing I felt on their weddings was genuine happiness for each friend that got married. I know some of you hate me right now for saying that. But hear me out… I honestly rejoice with them. Just because my journey looks different than theirs does not mean I’m less valuable, or less important. I’m not just sitting and waiting for my ultimate destination, marriage. Because marriage is not my ultimate destination. I’m pretty darn excited for when it will happen cuz I know it will be good, but if that was the only thing I was living for I think I’d be kind of disappointed.

I have things I’m living for that even if I’d never get married I would still thrive and love my life.

I have let people into the deepest parts of my life and I am completely loved by them. That is definitely a risk, but when you’re loved unconditionally, it kind of sets you free and you don’t really care what anyone else thinks of you.

And lastly as long as I keep things simple and stay in God’s peace and His vision for my life, I can thrive and be happy no matter what the marital status is.

Now, it’s starting to sound like I’m pretty near perfect and got it all figured out. That’s a laugh. But I have experienced everything I’ve said as the truth and I want to impart that hope to you.

I still feel vulnerable many times and I’ll feel out of place or just plain annoyed knowing how subconsciously everyone still thinks constantly about why I’m still single.

But that’s not my problem. Until they truly care about me and want to know about my heart, I won’t tell them. But I know who I am. I am a daughter, with an incredible future. I am going from glory to glory. I am a normal human being who longs for relationship. And since God put that desire in my heart, I know he will fulfill it. I will not run from that desire. I will embrace life as it comes. Who I am doesn’t change, whether I’m single or married.  

By the way, I have watched people get married, and I don’t see them suddenly transform into people who are now happier and more satisfied and more successful. What they were before they were married is what they will be after.

And this I know while I’m single, I will continue to thrive.

P.S. I know that this blog is not perfect… there’s so many variables. It will probably make some people mad. I get it, there’s many angles to look at it. Don’t base your life on this. I just wrote this from one angle. I could totally write a blog how I believe everyone should get married and the steps to prepare for that. I probably won’t do that though, but you may see more blogs coming in the future on subjects like this.